Getting Beyond this Moment
12 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Depression, The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, depression, encouragement, faith, freedom, hope, love, Romans 7, Scripture, transformation, Truth
There are times I don’t feel very loving, that I don’t feel at all loving. When it is difficult to be kind to the people around me. When God seems distant and unreal, and I go beyond struggling to understand how to love Someone who is infinite and invisible, to feeling mostly unmotivated by God’s love and His sacrifice on my behalf. When I have to choose to grit my teeth and choose obedience when I don’t feel like it. I don’t always manage it. I am unkind and harsh. My thought life is mean and selfish, and old habits seem inviting. Temporary relief doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, the key word being RELIEF. Beautiful Truth seems cold, harsh, unbelievable. I long for something tangible to hold on to for a moment. Or at least a meaningless, amusing, diversion.
It’s a cold, dark, hard place. A black marble box… A holding cell before being plunged into the dark, hopeless place in my head. Depression. But not yet as bad as it can get. I can still think that it is not completely impossible for things to get better, just highly unlikely. I hate it here, but still make choices and coddle thoughts that imprison me. I crave the familiar bondage of the “freedom” I pursued while a friend and dupe of the world. Sometimes its misery seems easier than the vulnerability of living in relationship.
I need new habits. I need a way to better remind myself of Truth, reality. It is so true that when we most need Scripture, it can be most difficult to make the effort to seek it out and then not only read it, but really take it in.
I have new habits. But I need firmer God-honoring options when I’m not so much desperate as sliding beyond caring. Where my feelings, and lack of feelings, cloud my vision of what is important and good. How small and selfish. I know.
And now as I think of how strong my “flesh” is today – and feel like a failure, so why bother trying – I am reminded of Paul.
I’m not alone in feeling at war withing myself. I’m not crazy when I’m offended by my own thoughts and behavior, or when part of me thinks it’s ridiculous when I make decisions to “be good.” My flesh is not completely, constantly crucified…but Christ is bigger, stronger, sufficient in, through, and beyond my lack.
Light is shining. Walls are falling. I can once again see beyond myself.
I wasn’t expecting this to be so effective. I just had to write.
Maybe you needed to know today that you are not alone in your struggle. If it helps, I’ll use some of my restored hope for you…
From Exodus today…
11 Feb 2010 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, legalism, love, salt and light, transformation
There were many regulations given in the Old Testament. The Israelites were to be different from the peoples around them. Although it is made clear in the New Testament that our faith is not about rules, we should also be noticably different than the rest of the world. Like the Israelites should have been, we should be marked by moral purity; we should neither perpetrate nor condone injustice or exploitation. As Christ and the early Christians taught, we should be remarkable in our love. We should be filled with and exude not only Christ’s love, but also His peace and joy. Are we going to be perfect? No. But we have no excuse to not be undergoing continuous transformation. If we let God do His work in us, we will be the salt and light we are called to be and more broken, searching hearts will be drawn to receive the healing they see evidenced by our lives.
