Robins, Hands, and Empty Pursuits
24 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, encouragement, faith, focus, freedom, God, hope, lessons from nature, Luke 15, perspective, redemption, Scripture
“But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! I will get up and go to my father…” Luke 15:17-18a, NASB
I held a terrified robin in my hands yesterday morning. Its feathers were so soft. Its legs and claws rough, but tiny. Its beak was hard, but inconsequential to my finger. Its body was SO LIGHT.
I was blessed to be used to extend mercy to one of God’s smaller creatures, and more blessed to receive another lesson on His mercy and grace, and reminders of the beauty of accepting the limits of humanity and embracing God’s limitlessness.
It was a gorgeous day. Warm for May. Beautiful blue skies with the high white clouds that are perfect for watching make shapes. But I was only vaguely aware of the fact of what for me was just about perfect weather. I was frustrated and cranky. Things in my classroom were not going as smoothly as I wanted them to.
I needed…air.
The robin had found its way into the lunchroom through a door propped open a few inches for airflow.
I wonder how long it took the poor thing to realize its mistake. The building was not a place it wanted to be. There was nothing for it within those walls. What had brought it through the opening in the first place? Was it following a misguided but tasty-looking bug? Was it curious to see what it was missing on the other side of the door? Or just not paying close enough attention to the difference between the outside where it belonged and the inside where it did not?
How long did it pursue the false promise of freedom offered by the window? So sure it knew how to be free, so sure of what it could see, it couldn’t comprehend that what it saw was not the path to freedom it desired, that what it sought lay in the opposite direction.
I can’t imagine how I must have appeared to it. Large and unknown, unknowable. I was a threat to its pursuit of freedom. A threat, not the answer. But unlike the little bird, I knew the reality of its situation. I could see that the route it chose led nowhere. I could see the only route to freedom. I knew that its only hope was to give up its hopeless, mad bursts of flight toward the lie. I knew that if it didn’t stop, it would kill itself against the unforgiving glass. It had to give up what only looked like the way of freedom. On its own, it was too small, too ignorant, and too weak to gain the sky.
But it persisted.
How many times are we like that bird? It’s a blessing when we look around and realize we are wildly off-course. We pursued something we thought was worthwhile. We were missing out on something that seemed pleasant or rewarding. We stopped being mindful of our choices.
How often do we chase things that look good to us, that promise us freedom, but can’t deliver? How often do we resist God, the only One who can see the big picture, the only way to find the freedom we so desperately seek? We don’t want Him to take away our “freedom,” the freedom that only results in pain and death.
As I crossed the room, the robin once again threw itself against the window, so hard that it knocked loose feathers. I cringed at the unmistakable sound of a small, bony, feathered body striking glass. It continued its close-range beating of wings and beak as I approached.
Arrested, its first response was to bite me. How dare I hold it carefully in my hands, keeping its wings to its sides so it could no longer bash itself in futility?!?
How often do we get angry at God like that? How often do we resent His omniscience, His omnipotence, His ability to know what is good for us better than we can? How about the necessity to admit we are wrong, that we NEED Him, that we can’t save ourselves?
The difference between me and the helpless bird is so much smaller than the difference between me and God. His ability, knowledge, understanding, and vision are so far beyond mine that to compare the difference between us to the difference between me and the bird is almost laughable. But one of the amazing things about Him is that He can use even simple things like this to reveal more of Himself to us. And He delights to do so when we stop the mad beating of our wings long enough to listen.
Cookies, pornography, and choices…
03 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Biblical worldview, Christian, encouragement, focus, freedom, perspective, The Table Project
Our church is trying out The Table Project. If you haven’t heard of it, and would like a way to get your church family better connected, I encourage you to check it out. If you are familiar with Facebook, it is like it in that it is a social networking platform, but it’s designed for the local church. Instead of being potentially connected to millions of other users, the people with whom you connect are part of your local church family.
We registered this week and have just a few users checking out the features, and I’ve been adding content so we can get an idea of how it will function and feel with more users. I’d started a discussion about the features, and asked for opinions from my handful of guinea pigs. The only response was from our pastor.
While pondering a new, more spiritually relevant topic, I thought I could start by saying that Pastor Matt couldn’t be the first to respond and offering a “prize” for the first response – a cookie! Like one from the oven, not a file on the respondent’s computer that would allow me to “see” everything they did on the Internet…
Hmmm…
The theme of Sunday’s sermon was purity. I’ve been trying to keep the church website and Facebook page more up-to-date with sermon themes lately, so I’ve spent quite a bit of time this week thinking, and typing, about the subject. I’ve wanted to post more about how we need to be careful about what we feed our minds. Pastor Matt wasn’t pulling punches when he warned us about what we choose to watch on tv, look at on the Internet, and listen to. I agree with him that many of the images and messages we receive from society are pornographic, in that they objectify people created in God’s image. And there is plenty that is pornographic in the more typical sense of sexual objectification. We need to be more careful of what we choose to take in, and how we choose to deal with what pops up alongside. It’s almost impossible to use Facebook or read news articles online, to pick up a magazine or newspaper, to stand in line at the grocery store or go to the mall, without seeing images highlighting body parts and skin.
What do you do when confronted by a sexually stimulating image?
We can’t always control what comes into our range of vision. And we often have a reflexive response. We are responsible to not keep looking at images that cause us to devalue other human beings by reducing them to body parts, and for what we choose to do with inappropriate thoughts.
We are also responsible for our entertainment choices. From personal experience I can tell you that if you take a break from popular entertainment – movies, tv, music – you will not see and hear it the same when you again sample it. And whether we want to admit it or not, what we watch and hear affects how we think and what we believe. One less than subtle example is the acceptability of sex outside the bonds of marriage. If you are at least a teenager, virginity is not something to value, it’s not even something to give, but something to get rid of. If you’re an adult, there’s something wrong with you if you haven’t had sex. There is no way to convince ourselves that the view of premarital sex as normal and acceptable has not only crept into the church, but is more common than a Biblical view of sex.
Is there any among us who does not make entertainment choices that give us niggling feelings in the back of our minds that what we’re doing does not honor God? If something makes us wonder, there’s a reason, and we really need to look at our motivation and ask ourselves the hard question of whether what we want to do honors God. The longer we ignore the Spirit’s conviction, the less we’ll be able to feel it, which goes back to how our perspective changes when we “fast” from pop culture. Exposure desensitizes, and God never forces us to heed His promptings.
Are there sites you would not visit, things you would not do, images you would not look at, or things you would not read or laugh at online if I – or, if you’re part of my church family, someone else from church – was watching? If so, ask yourself why. I’ll be honest; I waste a lot of time on the Internet. And it’s time I can’t get back. I made the choice a while back to play no online games; it helped. But, still, I know that I am not efficient or pure in my use of the Internet. One of my biggest time wasters is obsessively making sure I’ve gone through the status updates and posts since my last visit to Facebook, and one of the temptations to sin that places before me, and I stumble into, is judging people for what they post. One of my ongoing struggles is consistently knowing the heart difference between discernment and judgment. You don’t have to be looking at pornography to be using the Internet sinfully.
If you are struggling with Internet porn, or wasting time on games, or being amused by inappropriate humor, or indulging in online flirtations, or anything else you know does not honor God, and you think it might help, imagine me, or someone from church, or someone you care about who would be hurt by what you are doing, watching. Unfortunately, reminding ourselves that God is always Witness to both what we do and what goes on inside us often doesn’t accomplish much when we’ve been rationalizing. He’s been there through it all already, and He loves us no matter what, so… To top it off, God wants us happy, right?!?
We have a sad lack of understanding of God and His holiness when we choose to think this way. And this ties in with the message from Sunday before last – we NEED to study Scripture. How else can we learn who He is and what is important to Him?
Our choices are important. They either move us closer to God, or further from Him. And they always affect others.
Of Brain Chemicals and Prayers
05 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Depression Tags: accountability, Arminian, Christianity, depression, encouragement, faith, focus, freewill, perspective, Prayer, suffering, Truth, Wesleyan
So, my second post as my more integrated self. There are so many things I’ve been wanting to have the time to sit down and write!
It was so nice to be back in church, able to look people in the eye, able to smile, and able to sing. When I was thinking about going to church, and getting ready, the phrase “sitting, and clothed, and in [her] right mind” came to mind. Which brings me to something that will be an important theme of my blog – my attempts to gain a deeper understanding of the interplay of the physical and spiritual in mental health disorders. Which involves the mind-boggling relationship between God’s Sovereignty and our freewill. (For the theologically-minded, I am a Wesleyan, and very definitely lean toward a Wesleyan Arminian understanding of freewill.)
I’ve been thinking about our roles in the Body of Christ, and about spiritual gifts. I have often thought that I might have the gift of exhortation/encouragement, depending on your translation of the Bible. Now, I am willing to accept that truth…and responsibility…and I have a few words for my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you read my post from December 3, you know that I am incredibly grateful for those who prayed for me. If God lays someone on your heart, there’s a reason. Even if you only have a moment to shoot up a quick prayer, do it. If God wants more, He’s gracious and will remind you again, as long as there’s a chance you’ll really listen. It’s not only a matter of obedience, but an amazing invitation to be part of what He’s doing. You may never, on this earth, know the impact your prayers for others have, but someday, we will see the bigger picture. I’ve really been falling down in this area, so this message is for me as much as it is for fellow believers. God allowed several of you to be part of saving my life; don’t take that lightly. It was time for me to be dragged up out of the pit, for a new beginning. And I am grateful to each of you who heeded His nudging to reach out to me and/or be in prayer. God’s timing is perfect, however it may feel to us. The changes in me and in my marriage in the last week have been amazing. They couldn’t happen until I was brought down to as close to nothing as I could survive. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to be used by God in the working of a miracle. Isn’t that what any growth in Him really is? It goes against human nature and logic, but it happens and it’s wonderful.
So…fellow sufferers, fellow loved ones of sufferers, and fellow believers – Don’t minimize the physical or the spiritual aspects of depression.
For me, protecting safety and health will require some changes in my day-to-day life. And what better way to submit myself to accountability than to post my goals on the Internet?
A New Perspective, A New Beginning
03 Dec 2011 3 Comments
in Depression Tags: Christianity, depression, encouragement, faith, focus, hope, perspective, suffering, Truth
I’ve been wondering about this post, where it will go and how it will conclude. My world has been upside down, though nothing really changed. It is, however, changing now, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been forced to admit that I suffer from depression. I know not everyone reading this will understand. Those who reduce depression to spiritual deficiency will judge me. I can live with that. Others will sympathize, or even empathize. For those of you who have been where I’m leaving, and those who will find themselves there again or for the first time, no matter how alone you feel, you never are.
If only it was possible to believe this when the darkness descends, wells up, and permeates every corner of your mind and heart.
So, how does someone live through numerous bouts of depression, earn a BS in Psychology, and reach the age of 38 without realizing she has a problem? Maybe the easier question to answer would be “What was different this time?”
To start, there was no particular trigger. Nothing I could blame. As I mentioned before, nothing changed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.
It doesn’t surprise me when I have difficult days in autumn, when I get “blue” when the weather turns colder and the days get shorter. It doesn’t even surprise me when I feel like I’m dying. But, generally, I know that I am blessed, that there are many good things in life, and I can relatively quickly regain the knowledge that I have a purpose when I get to feeling out-of-place. I’m not surprised when the normal monthly cycle of shifting hormone levels makes me moody. I’m not surprised when not eating regularly or drinking enough water saps my energy, makes me sad, and leaves me confused and irrational.
We’re human. We experience a variety of emotions. It’s not abnormal to feel sad sometimes, to get weepy and emotional. Frustration and anger are not extraordinary. Given the pace and pressures of life, feeling overwhelmed at times is natural. It may not be right, but it is normal to let these emotions affect our behavior and interactions with others. It’s even natural to let these emotions get out of control at times. It can be gratifying to allow emotion to guide our behavior, but it’s childish.
So, it was a typical autumn. I was hating the chill in the air and resenting the loss of the green leaves. I was frustrated by my inability to adjust to my new schedule, and even more tired and sad as darkness held back the daylight when I had to force myself out of bed in the morning and grasped it away by dinnertime. I was overwhelmed by all the things we didn’t get done over the summer and angry that once again we’d finished so little of the much-needed renovations during good weather. My hormones started waging war on my body and brain.
It was rough. It was unpleasant – and, at times, so was I. It’s not a place I enjoy. I know it’s unhealthy. It does affect my day-to-day activities and interactions, and my ability to enjoy the usual things is impaired. But it’s manageable. How difficult a day becomes is pretty much directly related to my choices – where I choose to focus and how I choose to react. I can’t completely regulate my mood, but I can make things less difficult. It can be a grind, and I may doubt, but, ultimately, I still have faith and the ability to believe Truth. There are times when it’s difficult to remember that there have been, and there will be, better days, but those times pass.
This is not the first time that the bottom has fallen out. But this time, there was nothing specific to blame. I was back in that place where all I could believe was that nothing could be better, but I lacked a causal event. Something, or someone, had to be at fault. It must be that I just couldn’t take going into another winter with so little accomplished in and around the house…but we’re still making progress, and more quickly in some areas. It must be my husband’s fault…but he was only as human as he’d ever been.
When I could get out of my head I had to admit that it wasn’t a matter of what was going on outside of me. Nor was it the result of a choice I’d made.
I’ve had to accept that there are times that something beyond my control happens, a catastrophic glitch in my brain. I would have to guess that it’s a chemical imbalance. And, in a way, I lose (at least part of) my mind. Just to be clear, I am NOT saying that I am not responsible for my actions during these times. But I lose access to neural connections that allow me to hope.
I think it’s a small taste of hell – no joy, no light, no pleasure, no fellowship, no hope, and the feeling that God has no place for me.
I don’t know if I could have survived this last bout of hopelessness if it weren’t for my kids, my feeling of obligation to them, and my lack of trust in anyone’s ability to raise MY kids that way I think they should be raised. I just wanted to get them grown so I could die. And when I could see how little I was able to give them in that state, I felt completely purposeless.
Was there something “worse” this time that made it harder, that made it last so long? I don’t think so. I’ve realized something important this week – I’m no longer self-medicating. I’ve broken the enslaving cycle of seeking new sexual relationships, flirtations, and fantasy – and realized they were in large part coping mechanisms. I may not have been ingesting chemicals, but I wasn’t using men only to feel validation, pleasure, and excitement, but to adjust my brain chemistry. I’ve long understood my physical and mental sexual habits as temporary fixes, and have added a new and integral aspect to my understanding.
I’m not quite sure what to do with the insight of this week. I have long been someone who avoids medication, and given my atypical reactions (and overreactions), I would hesitate to seek drug therapy.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am standing with a foot in each of my worlds. In the past, good times were good; it was difficult for me to remember how bad I felt when I got out of whack – and vice versa. At this moment, I haven’t yet regained the wholeness I was living in, but something switched on or off Sunday afternoon; I no longer feel beyond hope. For some of you reading this it may make sense when I say that I can see real color again.
It is so true that when we least feel like being in the Word, it is the most important. Although it is very dangerous to reduce mental health issues to the spiritual, it cannot be denied that there is always a spiritual aspect – as with EVERYTHING else in life. On Sunday, several people became aware that something was not right, and several people began praying. It’s not a coincidence that Sunday is when the worst of the darkness finally lifted. And one day this week, when I came home from school and started crashing again, my husband’s act of faith, humility, and obedience to pray for me, and speak aloud in prayer the words I’d lost, were used by our Awesome God to bring me back up where I could see and stand. Jeff believed when I couldn’t and had the faith and grace to act. I am grateful. And I know that I am blessed.
Faith lesson from a caterpillar
12 Apr 2010 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: caterpillar, Christian, faith, focus, God's voice, mom, monarch, perspective, young children
It was just another day, like so many others in the life of a mom with young children. Lunchtime. I was rushing as usual, my mind busy with everything and nothing. The boys’ monarch caterpillar was unimpressed by my need of the counter space occupied by the peanut butter jar that held it captive. I reached to move it out of the way, but, not really paying attention, knocked over the jar. Mildly annoyed by the distraction from my own thoughts, I again reached for the jar, being careful to actually look at it.
Unperturbed, the caterpillar munched its milkweed leaf.
Somehow, I again knocked over the jar. The caterpillar paid no attention as its unnatural home skidded across the counter and crashed into the toaster. This time I managed to get the jar safely into my hand. At least I thought the poor creature’s container was safe, but then I dropped it. The plastic jar bounced off the edge of the toaster and bounced again when it hit the counter.
Through all of the bouncing and rolling, one thing never changed: the caterpillar’s focus. The little creature’s entire world had been turned upside down. Repeatedly. Surrounded by chaos, its focus never shifted. All that mattered was eating that milkweed leaf.
My rushing was brought to an abrupt halt by the voice of the Lord. No, not some booming “MELINDA” from the heavens, but an unmistakable, inescapable impression in the very core of me.
This is what you need to do. This is how you need to be.
I really looked at the caterpillar. As oblivious of my scrutiny as it had been everything else, the caterpillar paid no attention to anything but its leaf.
Milkweed leaves are the only food of monarch caterpillars. The butterflies lay their eggs on the underside of the leaves. The eggs are only about the size of the period at the end of this sentence. When the tiny caterpillars hatch, they start the only job they have–eating milkweed leaves. They get everything they need by focusing their attention and energy on the source of their sustenance. They grow and grow, until it is time to form a chrysalis.
I need to remember the Source of my sustenance. I need to focus on Him no matter what is going on around me. Even if it seems my world has been turned upside down, all that is required of me is to focus on the One Who holds my world in His hands. When I am focused on Him, everything else is in the periphery, in proper perspective.
