Of Brain Chemicals and Prayers
05 Dec 2011 Leave a Comment
in Depression Tags: accountability, Arminian, Christianity, depression, encouragement, faith, focus, freewill, perspective, Prayer, suffering, Truth, Wesleyan
So, my second post as my more integrated self. There are so many things I’ve been wanting to have the time to sit down and write!
It was so nice to be back in church, able to look people in the eye, able to smile, and able to sing. When I was thinking about going to church, and getting ready, the phrase “sitting, and clothed, and in [her] right mind” came to mind. Which brings me to something that will be an important theme of my blog – my attempts to gain a deeper understanding of the interplay of the physical and spiritual in mental health disorders. Which involves the mind-boggling relationship between God’s Sovereignty and our freewill. (For the theologically-minded, I am a Wesleyan, and very definitely lean toward a Wesleyan Arminian understanding of freewill.)
I’ve been thinking about our roles in the Body of Christ, and about spiritual gifts. I have often thought that I might have the gift of exhortation/encouragement, depending on your translation of the Bible. Now, I am willing to accept that truth…and responsibility…and I have a few words for my brothers and sisters in Christ. If you read my post from December 3, you know that I am incredibly grateful for those who prayed for me. If God lays someone on your heart, there’s a reason. Even if you only have a moment to shoot up a quick prayer, do it. If God wants more, He’s gracious and will remind you again, as long as there’s a chance you’ll really listen. It’s not only a matter of obedience, but an amazing invitation to be part of what He’s doing. You may never, on this earth, know the impact your prayers for others have, but someday, we will see the bigger picture. I’ve really been falling down in this area, so this message is for me as much as it is for fellow believers. God allowed several of you to be part of saving my life; don’t take that lightly. It was time for me to be dragged up out of the pit, for a new beginning. And I am grateful to each of you who heeded His nudging to reach out to me and/or be in prayer. God’s timing is perfect, however it may feel to us. The changes in me and in my marriage in the last week have been amazing. They couldn’t happen until I was brought down to as close to nothing as I could survive. Don’t miss out on the opportunity to be used by God in the working of a miracle. Isn’t that what any growth in Him really is? It goes against human nature and logic, but it happens and it’s wonderful.
So…fellow sufferers, fellow loved ones of sufferers, and fellow believers – Don’t minimize the physical or the spiritual aspects of depression.
For me, protecting safety and health will require some changes in my day-to-day life. And what better way to submit myself to accountability than to post my goals on the Internet?
A New Perspective, A New Beginning
03 Dec 2011 3 Comments
in Depression Tags: Christianity, depression, encouragement, faith, focus, hope, perspective, suffering, Truth
I’ve been wondering about this post, where it will go and how it will conclude. My world has been upside down, though nothing really changed. It is, however, changing now, and that is the light at the end of the tunnel.
I have been forced to admit that I suffer from depression. I know not everyone reading this will understand. Those who reduce depression to spiritual deficiency will judge me. I can live with that. Others will sympathize, or even empathize. For those of you who have been where I’m leaving, and those who will find themselves there again or for the first time, no matter how alone you feel, you never are.
If only it was possible to believe this when the darkness descends, wells up, and permeates every corner of your mind and heart.
So, how does someone live through numerous bouts of depression, earn a BS in Psychology, and reach the age of 38 without realizing she has a problem? Maybe the easier question to answer would be “What was different this time?”
To start, there was no particular trigger. Nothing I could blame. As I mentioned before, nothing changed. Nothing out of the ordinary happened.
It doesn’t surprise me when I have difficult days in autumn, when I get “blue” when the weather turns colder and the days get shorter. It doesn’t even surprise me when I feel like I’m dying. But, generally, I know that I am blessed, that there are many good things in life, and I can relatively quickly regain the knowledge that I have a purpose when I get to feeling out-of-place. I’m not surprised when the normal monthly cycle of shifting hormone levels makes me moody. I’m not surprised when not eating regularly or drinking enough water saps my energy, makes me sad, and leaves me confused and irrational.
We’re human. We experience a variety of emotions. It’s not abnormal to feel sad sometimes, to get weepy and emotional. Frustration and anger are not extraordinary. Given the pace and pressures of life, feeling overwhelmed at times is natural. It may not be right, but it is normal to let these emotions affect our behavior and interactions with others. It’s even natural to let these emotions get out of control at times. It can be gratifying to allow emotion to guide our behavior, but it’s childish.
So, it was a typical autumn. I was hating the chill in the air and resenting the loss of the green leaves. I was frustrated by my inability to adjust to my new schedule, and even more tired and sad as darkness held back the daylight when I had to force myself out of bed in the morning and grasped it away by dinnertime. I was overwhelmed by all the things we didn’t get done over the summer and angry that once again we’d finished so little of the much-needed renovations during good weather. My hormones started waging war on my body and brain.
It was rough. It was unpleasant – and, at times, so was I. It’s not a place I enjoy. I know it’s unhealthy. It does affect my day-to-day activities and interactions, and my ability to enjoy the usual things is impaired. But it’s manageable. How difficult a day becomes is pretty much directly related to my choices – where I choose to focus and how I choose to react. I can’t completely regulate my mood, but I can make things less difficult. It can be a grind, and I may doubt, but, ultimately, I still have faith and the ability to believe Truth. There are times when it’s difficult to remember that there have been, and there will be, better days, but those times pass.
This is not the first time that the bottom has fallen out. But this time, there was nothing specific to blame. I was back in that place where all I could believe was that nothing could be better, but I lacked a causal event. Something, or someone, had to be at fault. It must be that I just couldn’t take going into another winter with so little accomplished in and around the house…but we’re still making progress, and more quickly in some areas. It must be my husband’s fault…but he was only as human as he’d ever been.
When I could get out of my head I had to admit that it wasn’t a matter of what was going on outside of me. Nor was it the result of a choice I’d made.
I’ve had to accept that there are times that something beyond my control happens, a catastrophic glitch in my brain. I would have to guess that it’s a chemical imbalance. And, in a way, I lose (at least part of) my mind. Just to be clear, I am NOT saying that I am not responsible for my actions during these times. But I lose access to neural connections that allow me to hope.
I think it’s a small taste of hell – no joy, no light, no pleasure, no fellowship, no hope, and the feeling that God has no place for me.
I don’t know if I could have survived this last bout of hopelessness if it weren’t for my kids, my feeling of obligation to them, and my lack of trust in anyone’s ability to raise MY kids that way I think they should be raised. I just wanted to get them grown so I could die. And when I could see how little I was able to give them in that state, I felt completely purposeless.
Was there something “worse” this time that made it harder, that made it last so long? I don’t think so. I’ve realized something important this week – I’m no longer self-medicating. I’ve broken the enslaving cycle of seeking new sexual relationships, flirtations, and fantasy – and realized they were in large part coping mechanisms. I may not have been ingesting chemicals, but I wasn’t using men only to feel validation, pleasure, and excitement, but to adjust my brain chemistry. I’ve long understood my physical and mental sexual habits as temporary fixes, and have added a new and integral aspect to my understanding.
I’m not quite sure what to do with the insight of this week. I have long been someone who avoids medication, and given my atypical reactions (and overreactions), I would hesitate to seek drug therapy.
For the first time in my life I feel like I am standing with a foot in each of my worlds. In the past, good times were good; it was difficult for me to remember how bad I felt when I got out of whack – and vice versa. At this moment, I haven’t yet regained the wholeness I was living in, but something switched on or off Sunday afternoon; I no longer feel beyond hope. For some of you reading this it may make sense when I say that I can see real color again.
It is so true that when we least feel like being in the Word, it is the most important. Although it is very dangerous to reduce mental health issues to the spiritual, it cannot be denied that there is always a spiritual aspect – as with EVERYTHING else in life. On Sunday, several people became aware that something was not right, and several people began praying. It’s not a coincidence that Sunday is when the worst of the darkness finally lifted. And one day this week, when I came home from school and started crashing again, my husband’s act of faith, humility, and obedience to pray for me, and speak aloud in prayer the words I’d lost, were used by our Awesome God to bring me back up where I could see and stand. Jeff believed when I couldn’t and had the faith and grace to act. I am grateful. And I know that I am blessed.
Change
02 Sep 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Bible, change, Christian, Christianity, imperfection, Truth
I love my Thursday evening ladies’ Bible study group!
One thing we talked about last week was what has changed since we began our new lives in Christ. I greatly appreciated the encouraging words of one friend as she described change she’s seen in me. My friend said that when she first met and got to know me, I didn’t seem to know what I believed. She was right. I took the Truth that I could not deny and subjected it to that which pleased me at the moment and that which seemed rational, at least by the world’s standards. It was an uncomfortable, but not uncommon, way to live.
Regardless of what we choose to do with it, Truth remains Truth.
I had heard the Truth, and received the grace to recognize it, so couldn’t glibly make it just part of what I believed. I tried. It seemed to work for many others who called themselves Christians. But peace is not possible in a divided life.
Sometimes I thought those who preach the irrationality of believing in God must be right. They can sound so logical and intelligent when they speak of scientific “fact” or restrictive, old-fashioned “morals.” But I couldn’t just deny the existence of God, nor could I completely ignore the health of His design for mankind, though I agreed with many that it impinged our “freedom.”
After a while, I had to get back to a church. But I still didn’t want it to really change me. I couldn’t proclaim denial, but I lived it—because I refused to yield to the Truth.
But I have yielded. I now love Truth, and am committed to it. But imperfectly. I still get distracted by self and by circumstances.
I know that I don’t love as I should. There isn’t any area in which I don’t need growth. My understanding is imperfect. I am, however, confident in what I do know—but hope to never be arrogant.
Having confidence is a big change since this prodigal came Home. It’s nice to no longer be so in bondage to what others think.
When old habits—sinful patterns—pop up, I don’t have to get stuck in their painful cycles. I can lift my head, return my gaze to Him, and lay my sin back down at the foot of the cross.
I’m not so shy. I have a voice—because I have an identity. I am being made whole. I have no need to “find myself.” When I humbled myself, He opened His arms to me. Now I AM me because I am His. I have a purpose beyond trying to keep myself, or others, happy or entertained.
My life is no longer a mass of confusion, fear, anger, worry, or self-absorption.
I have been profoundly changed. And continue to be changed each day. I have learned much and know that I have much to learn.
My confidence must never be in myself, or in these wonderful changes, but only in HIM.
Encouragement from Jeremiah…and Peter
24 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: 2 Corinthians 4, Christianity, encouragement, faith, Isaiah 61:1-3, Jeremiah 20, Matthew 14:22-33, Peter, Truth, walking on water
Well, the previous Jeremiah post didn’t quite go in the direction I expected. I intended to write encouragement for those struggling to live out their faith in a world that wants to put it safely in a box. And I hope they do find encouragement in my determination to no longer apologize for doing what I know is right – to die to self and live for God and His purpose in a broken world. Compromise benefits no one. But it’s tempting because it can make things seem easier at the moment. Commit to doing whatever it takes to build with what will last—don’t be selfishly willing to accept making it only as if through fire. You are meant to share what you’ve found with others. Who is paying for your refusal to be a faithful witness? Be mindful of your fruit. If you’re not producing good fruit, if you’re not living out what you claim to believe, you have to consider whether you really know Him.
As is asked in The Truth Project, “Do you really believe that what you believe is really real?” Study, learn, pray, be transformed – live.
Salvation may be a free gift that we can in no way earn or deserve, but if we think we can just accept a ticket to heaven, we’ve missed the point. If we truly believe and confess, we will be changed. To “accept” a Jesus different from the One described in the Bible is not believing. If we’re not accepting His call to leave and yield everything, what call are we accepting?
Jesus doesn’t call us to just tack worship onto an already busy life; He calls us to give him EVERYTHING. How He uses you, what He asks you to do or not do, what He asks you to give away or acquire, where He asks you to go or stay, will not be exactly like anyone else. You are unique, with a unique purpose.
We have to understand that although God’s call will always be worthwhile, it will not always be pleasant. The necessary death of self can be painful. It goes against our nature. We are choosing a way that is scorned by many. There are people who will laugh at us. If we wholeheartedly follow, there will even be those who claim to believe as we do who will brand us as radical or ridiculous.
Jeremiah got so depressed by the way his fellow Israelites treated him that he felt that God had deceived him. Not only was he mocked, people wanted to kill him to shut him up. People don’t want to hear that what they’re doing is wrong, and that there are consequences for choosing to live contrary to how God, in His love and mercy, has told us is best. In our day, there is less and less that society will tolerate having called “wrong.” Murder (of someone already born and having the potential of contributing to society) and rape are still generally considered “wrong,” but contemporary views on the sanctity of human life and sexuality are far from God’s design. The lines are pushed further and are muddied at a shocking rate. Now it is we who truly have people’s best at heart—we who defend the rights of people from conception to natural death, who support physically and psychologically safer sex between one man and one woman within a marriage, who stand against objectification or commodification of any person, who believe life is not meant to be so small as to be about an individual—who can be called “wrong.”
Don’t let anyone convince you that your faith is merely a private matter, that it shouldn’t affect how you see and interact with the world. True Christianity is not something meant to be “practiced” inside a building designated a “church.” It is not something you leave safely at home.
Jeremiah wanted to stop speaking. He didn’t want to give people any more reason to mock or hate him. But he couldn’t, because he knew the Truth.
Have you ever been so discouraged that you wished you’d never been born? Jeremiah did, even though he knew that he was doing the right thing. To expect the life of a child of God to be easy is a disgusting corruption of Scripture. Scripture teaches us that the life of faith will be difficult. But it will be worth it. From it we also learn that when we focus on Him, we will have peace and joy despite any chaos or pain.
Jeremiah got distracted by what was going on around him and what was happening to him. It is easy to do, even when things aren’t so grim as they were for him. We need to remember to learn from Peter’s example, and also appreciate Jeremiah’s. Keep your eyes on the Savior and keep doing what you know is right. When you get distracted by the storm, you will sink—turn your eyes back to the One Who will uphold you. There is no shortage of things by which we can be distracted—fear, discomfort, doubts, desires, self-pity, regret, greed, anger…
Be honest with your Father about the things that you make idols by giving them the attention He deserves, and ask Him for a fresh understanding of His character and His purpose. No matter how much hopelessness and pain there is in this world, there is nothing that cannot be redeemed for His glory and our good. He does give beauty for our ashes.
For further encouragement
Learning from Jeremiah…
18 Aug 2011 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Biblical worldview, Christianity, Jeremiah 20:7, love, sin, tolerance, Truth
Jeremiah had an unpopular message. People didn’t want to hear it and they didn’t want to accept what they heard. Not unlike the message of today’s Christians.
Yes, I, like Jesus, am to preach love and grace, but inextricably bound with this is a commitment to His “Go and sin no more.” John the Baptist, as he prepared the way for Christ, preached repentance. It is also what Jesus and his disciples preached. Our society demands tolerance, but what I am mandated to give is love. Love demands so much more. Love wants what is truly best for the loved one, not what merely suits personal tastes. I know that what is best is Jesus Christ and the order God established for life. No one can be forced to accept this, but, just as everyone has the right to reject Truth, those who believe have the right to speak.
If I love as I must, I must speak, regardless of how my words make you feel. If one person finds God behind my words, or if someone whose faith is faltering finds encouragement, it will be a wonderful blessing even if I never know while on this earth. Regardless, I will be obedient. I, like most people, have always wanted people to like me. I avoided confrontation and conflict, and didn’t want to offend anyone. I hated feeling ignorant or foolish, and dreaded the thought of being laughed at.
But Christianity is not about being nice or inoffensive. It’s not about fitting in or being liked, admired, or desired. It’s not about me at all. And I won’t treat it like such a small thing…
I have become a laughingstock all day long.
Everyone mocks me. Jeremiah 20:7b
You can’t say that there’s only one way to God! You can’t base your life on some ancient text that’s full of inconsistencies! And you certainly can’t expect others to! We don’t need your narrow-minded views or outdated rules. Morality must be based on what society deems best. It can’t be limited by the Bible – exclusionary and intolerant Judeo-Christian values. We need to protect people, particularly children from such harmful beliefs. Not only do Christians encourage their children to be intolerant through irrational faith in what they call Truth, they even teach them to mindlessly accept myths disproved by science.
Whether from modern or postmodern viewpoints – or an interesting hybrid of some who fancy themselves scientific but spiritual – Biblical faith is constantly attacked. Even by many who claim the title “Christian.”
Why do so many find it easier to believe that the scientific laws were broken for their establishment than consider the necessity of a Creator? Was the first amino acid sufficient to establish that life can only come from life? At what point did chaos stop organizing itself? If given enough time…We see the result of time all around us: entropy. But apply energy… Energy cannot generate or apply itself.
I am so tired of ultimately insupportable theories being spoon-fed and swallowed as fact. When it gets down to it, no one can explain the existence of this world apart from God.
But if there is a Creator God, then life isn’t about us. If we acknowledge the existence of a Being with the knowledge and understanding to put together this infinitely amazing…thing we call a universe, the next logical step is to accept that this Creator also has the wisdom to know the best way for us to organize our lives, relationships, and societies to achieve health.
So, pity me as ignorant if you must. I will never deny that there is much I do no know, but I do know what is most important. I also know that if you refuse to acknowledge the truth it is you who are ignorant and to be pitied. I am secure and at peace. And I pray that you will be blessed with the grace to be freed from your pride and accept reality.
Label me intolerant if I refuse to celebrate or even condone your sin. I will no longer do that for myself, and to do so for you would be unloving. There is an objective foundation for morality, whether or not you feel it impinges on your “rights.” It’s not any more about you than it is about me. Whether or not you acknowledge Him as such, God is the Judge. And each of us stands guilty. But He didn’t leave us without a way to escape what we rightfully deserve. To remain condemned is a matter of choice.
You can call me narrow-minded, or deprived, or naive, or benighted….But I am finally FREE. How do you not see your chains as you struggle and collapse under their weight? You imagine that I make myself a prisoner. And it is true that I willingly make myself a slave to God – a slave to love, light, righteousness, joy, and peace. To what do you choose to be a slave? You have no choice but to be enslaved. It is a fact of birth. As a willing slave to God, I become free as I fulfill the purpose for which I was created and become the person I was born to be.
I tried your brand of freedom. Each liberty I took strengthened the chains of my bondage. I sampled enough of your pleasures to choke on the bitter that follows the sweet. I indulged myself until the emptiness all but consumed me. I was the prodigal son. And in my willingness to return to
serve in my Father’s house, I gained the rights of His child. I have an Inheritance. This world is not my home; its trials and pleasures are temporary. If you choose your own way in this life, you also have something waiting for you, something that I pray you do not suffer: the eternal death of separation from God.
You think I am intolerant or judgmental if I call your sin sin. But know that I want more for you than a life of doing what pleases you. I have to. And I have to ruthlessly admit and kill my own sin.
