Love, Failure, and Accepting Acceptance
02 Jun 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, encouragement, love, perspective, hope, gratitude, unconditional love, John 3:16, Amazing Grace, Ann Voskamp
“Sometimes it’s hard to look love square in the eye and accept the acceptance.”
A line from Ann Voskamp’s blog post I read this morning.
The line jumped out at me, stopped me, confronted me. Made me cry in recognition.
I am well-acquainted with that eye-sliding discomfort.
I’ve come a long way, God has brought me a long way. But it can still be hard to believe that I am loved unconditionally… to see it in front of me when I don’t want to believe it… to accept acceptance when I feel it’s undeserved because I mess up… to believe that my next failure won’t bring a turning away… that there are people, my husband and friends, who find me worth loving and accept me despite me, who wait when I pull away.
The next line:
“Is this why we turn from God?”
It starts with understanding who God is, and who I am in Christ. I have received more patient grace than I deserve, from my heavenly Father and from my loved ones. And I need to be better at giving it. I don’t want my kids to ever feel that I think they are a failure, to confuse discipline with rejection, to feel like they don’t measure up to my expectations. My words, and my tone, must be sweeter. I want my home to be a place of peace and comfort for all who live or visit here.
Recently I was talking with Jeff about how I just don’t understand unconditional love. It’s a sad admission. But I don’t think it’s uncommon. Unconditional love is not a common thing in this world.
If I want to express unconditional love to my children, husband, and others, I first have to believe that it is a real, possible thing.
For God so loved the world…
What I am beyond grateful for this morning is my husband’s unconditional love. I don’t make it easy.
What I am beyond grateful for this morning is my Father’s unconditional love… Amazing Grace.
Robins, Hands, and Empty Pursuits
24 May 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, encouragement, faith, focus, freedom, God, hope, lessons from nature, Luke 15, perspective, redemption, Scripture
“But when he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired men have more than enough bread, but I am dying here with hunger! I will get up and go to my father…” Luke 15:17-18a, NASB
I held a terrified robin in my hands yesterday morning. Its feathers were so soft. Its legs and claws rough, but tiny. Its beak was hard, but inconsequential to my finger. Its body was SO LIGHT.
I was blessed to be used to extend mercy to one of God’s smaller creatures, and more blessed to receive another lesson on His mercy and grace, and reminders of the beauty of accepting the limits of humanity and embracing God’s limitlessness.
It was a gorgeous day. Warm for May. Beautiful blue skies with the high white clouds that are perfect for watching make shapes. But I was only vaguely aware of the fact of what for me was just about perfect weather. I was frustrated and cranky. Things in my classroom were not going as smoothly as I wanted them to.
I needed…air.
The robin had found its way into the lunchroom through a door propped open a few inches for airflow.
I wonder how long it took the poor thing to realize its mistake. The building was not a place it wanted to be. There was nothing for it within those walls. What had brought it through the opening in the first place? Was it following a misguided but tasty-looking bug? Was it curious to see what it was missing on the other side of the door? Or just not paying close enough attention to the difference between the outside where it belonged and the inside where it did not?
How long did it pursue the false promise of freedom offered by the window? So sure it knew how to be free, so sure of what it could see, it couldn’t comprehend that what it saw was not the path to freedom it desired, that what it sought lay in the opposite direction.
I can’t imagine how I must have appeared to it. Large and unknown, unknowable. I was a threat to its pursuit of freedom. A threat, not the answer. But unlike the little bird, I knew the reality of its situation. I could see that the route it chose led nowhere. I could see the only route to freedom. I knew that its only hope was to give up its hopeless, mad bursts of flight toward the lie. I knew that if it didn’t stop, it would kill itself against the unforgiving glass. It had to give up what only looked like the way of freedom. On its own, it was too small, too ignorant, and too weak to gain the sky.
But it persisted.
How many times are we like that bird? It’s a blessing when we look around and realize we are wildly off-course. We pursued something we thought was worthwhile. We were missing out on something that seemed pleasant or rewarding. We stopped being mindful of our choices.
How often do we chase things that look good to us, that promise us freedom, but can’t deliver? How often do we resist God, the only One who can see the big picture, the only way to find the freedom we so desperately seek? We don’t want Him to take away our “freedom,” the freedom that only results in pain and death.
As I crossed the room, the robin once again threw itself against the window, so hard that it knocked loose feathers. I cringed at the unmistakable sound of a small, bony, feathered body striking glass. It continued its close-range beating of wings and beak as I approached.
Arrested, its first response was to bite me. How dare I hold it carefully in my hands, keeping its wings to its sides so it could no longer bash itself in futility?!?
How often do we get angry at God like that? How often do we resent His omniscience, His omnipotence, His ability to know what is good for us better than we can? How about the necessity to admit we are wrong, that we NEED Him, that we can’t save ourselves?
The difference between me and the helpless bird is so much smaller than the difference between me and God. His ability, knowledge, understanding, and vision are so far beyond mine that to compare the difference between us to the difference between me and the bird is almost laughable. But one of the amazing things about Him is that He can use even simple things like this to reveal more of Himself to us. And He delights to do so when we stop the mad beating of our wings long enough to listen.
Blessing Others through Obedience
26 Apr 2012 1 Comment
in Family Devotions, The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Acts, choices, family, God, Gospel, Holy Spirit, Isaiah, joy, obedience, Philip
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Yesterday, during morning devotions with the kids (yes, trying again to get into a good routine that goes beyond just spending a few minutes reading to discussion and application!), we read about Philip meeting and ministering to the Ethiopian man who had visited Jerusalem and was reading Isaiah as he traveled home in his chariot.
It got me thinking about obedience, and how important it is… how important our obedience, MY obedience, is to others.
After Philip explained Isaiah’s prophecy to the man, told him about Jesus’ fulfillment, and baptized him, the Holy Spirit took him where He next wanted him. But that’s not how Philip came to the Ethiopian man. Philip was told to go down a particular road. No explanation, just go. Philip went. When he came upon the man reading in the chariot he was given his next instruction: to stay near the man.
Philip heard what he was reading and asked if he understood. The Ethiopian man needed someone to explain. Philip was right where he needed to be when he needed to be there. Because he was obedient, he was blessed to be used by God as the Holy Spirit granted this man understanding of the Gospel. God could have just put him there, but Philip was given the choice to be obedient.
It’s the choice we’re given each moment.
How many times have we missed the opportunity to give someone reason to rejoice like the Ethiopian man did after Philip was taken away?
Compassion Sunday is April 22
13 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: child sponsorship, Compassion International, hope, love, poverty
Want to know more? Check out my Compassion Sunday page!
Getting Beyond this Moment
12 Apr 2012 Leave a Comment
in Depression, The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Christian, depression, encouragement, faith, freedom, hope, love, Romans 7, Scripture, transformation, Truth
There are times I don’t feel very loving, that I don’t feel at all loving. When it is difficult to be kind to the people around me. When God seems distant and unreal, and I go beyond struggling to understand how to love Someone who is infinite and invisible, to feeling mostly unmotivated by God’s love and His sacrifice on my behalf. When I have to choose to grit my teeth and choose obedience when I don’t feel like it. I don’t always manage it. I am unkind and harsh. My thought life is mean and selfish, and old habits seem inviting. Temporary relief doesn’t sound like such a bad idea, the key word being RELIEF. Beautiful Truth seems cold, harsh, unbelievable. I long for something tangible to hold on to for a moment. Or at least a meaningless, amusing, diversion.
It’s a cold, dark, hard place. A black marble box… A holding cell before being plunged into the dark, hopeless place in my head. Depression. But not yet as bad as it can get. I can still think that it is not completely impossible for things to get better, just highly unlikely. I hate it here, but still make choices and coddle thoughts that imprison me. I crave the familiar bondage of the “freedom” I pursued while a friend and dupe of the world. Sometimes its misery seems easier than the vulnerability of living in relationship.
I need new habits. I need a way to better remind myself of Truth, reality. It is so true that when we most need Scripture, it can be most difficult to make the effort to seek it out and then not only read it, but really take it in.
I have new habits. But I need firmer God-honoring options when I’m not so much desperate as sliding beyond caring. Where my feelings, and lack of feelings, cloud my vision of what is important and good. How small and selfish. I know.
And now as I think of how strong my “flesh” is today – and feel like a failure, so why bother trying – I am reminded of Paul.
I’m not alone in feeling at war withing myself. I’m not crazy when I’m offended by my own thoughts and behavior, or when part of me thinks it’s ridiculous when I make decisions to “be good.” My flesh is not completely, constantly crucified…but Christ is bigger, stronger, sufficient in, through, and beyond my lack.
Light is shining. Walls are falling. I can once again see beyond myself.
I wasn’t expecting this to be so effective. I just had to write.
Maybe you needed to know today that you are not alone in your struggle. If it helps, I’ll use some of my restored hope for you…
Cookies, pornography, and choices…
03 Mar 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Biblical worldview, Christian, encouragement, focus, freedom, perspective, The Table Project
Our church is trying out The Table Project. If you haven’t heard of it, and would like a way to get your church family better connected, I encourage you to check it out. If you are familiar with Facebook, it is like it in that it is a social networking platform, but it’s designed for the local church. Instead of being potentially connected to millions of other users, the people with whom you connect are part of your local church family.
We registered this week and have just a few users checking out the features, and I’ve been adding content so we can get an idea of how it will function and feel with more users. I’d started a discussion about the features, and asked for opinions from my handful of guinea pigs. The only response was from our pastor.
While pondering a new, more spiritually relevant topic, I thought I could start by saying that Pastor Matt couldn’t be the first to respond and offering a “prize” for the first response – a cookie! Like one from the oven, not a file on the respondent’s computer that would allow me to “see” everything they did on the Internet…
Hmmm…
The theme of Sunday’s sermon was purity. I’ve been trying to keep the church website and Facebook page more up-to-date with sermon themes lately, so I’ve spent quite a bit of time this week thinking, and typing, about the subject. I’ve wanted to post more about how we need to be careful about what we feed our minds. Pastor Matt wasn’t pulling punches when he warned us about what we choose to watch on tv, look at on the Internet, and listen to. I agree with him that many of the images and messages we receive from society are pornographic, in that they objectify people created in God’s image. And there is plenty that is pornographic in the more typical sense of sexual objectification. We need to be more careful of what we choose to take in, and how we choose to deal with what pops up alongside. It’s almost impossible to use Facebook or read news articles online, to pick up a magazine or newspaper, to stand in line at the grocery store or go to the mall, without seeing images highlighting body parts and skin.
What do you do when confronted by a sexually stimulating image?
We can’t always control what comes into our range of vision. And we often have a reflexive response. We are responsible to not keep looking at images that cause us to devalue other human beings by reducing them to body parts, and for what we choose to do with inappropriate thoughts.
We are also responsible for our entertainment choices. From personal experience I can tell you that if you take a break from popular entertainment – movies, tv, music – you will not see and hear it the same when you again sample it. And whether we want to admit it or not, what we watch and hear affects how we think and what we believe. One less than subtle example is the acceptability of sex outside the bonds of marriage. If you are at least a teenager, virginity is not something to value, it’s not even something to give, but something to get rid of. If you’re an adult, there’s something wrong with you if you haven’t had sex. There is no way to convince ourselves that the view of premarital sex as normal and acceptable has not only crept into the church, but is more common than a Biblical view of sex.
Is there any among us who does not make entertainment choices that give us niggling feelings in the back of our minds that what we’re doing does not honor God? If something makes us wonder, there’s a reason, and we really need to look at our motivation and ask ourselves the hard question of whether what we want to do honors God. The longer we ignore the Spirit’s conviction, the less we’ll be able to feel it, which goes back to how our perspective changes when we “fast” from pop culture. Exposure desensitizes, and God never forces us to heed His promptings.
Are there sites you would not visit, things you would not do, images you would not look at, or things you would not read or laugh at online if I – or, if you’re part of my church family, someone else from church – was watching? If so, ask yourself why. I’ll be honest; I waste a lot of time on the Internet. And it’s time I can’t get back. I made the choice a while back to play no online games; it helped. But, still, I know that I am not efficient or pure in my use of the Internet. One of my biggest time wasters is obsessively making sure I’ve gone through the status updates and posts since my last visit to Facebook, and one of the temptations to sin that places before me, and I stumble into, is judging people for what they post. One of my ongoing struggles is consistently knowing the heart difference between discernment and judgment. You don’t have to be looking at pornography to be using the Internet sinfully.
If you are struggling with Internet porn, or wasting time on games, or being amused by inappropriate humor, or indulging in online flirtations, or anything else you know does not honor God, and you think it might help, imagine me, or someone from church, or someone you care about who would be hurt by what you are doing, watching. Unfortunately, reminding ourselves that God is always Witness to both what we do and what goes on inside us often doesn’t accomplish much when we’ve been rationalizing. He’s been there through it all already, and He loves us no matter what, so… To top it off, God wants us happy, right?!?
We have a sad lack of understanding of God and His holiness when we choose to think this way. And this ties in with the message from Sunday before last – we NEED to study Scripture. How else can we learn who He is and what is important to Him?
Our choices are important. They either move us closer to God, or further from Him. And they always affect others.
Blessed and Grateful
23 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Depression, The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Biblical worldview, blessings, depression, gratitude, love, perspective, praise, sanctity of human life
Something amazing happened at church yesterday morning, Sanctity of Human Life Sunday. Our church is small, and so is its building. There are just enough of us to keep two services necessary. We usually go at 10:00 for Sunday School, and attend the second service at 11:00. Yesterday, I was giving a short presentation, based on my last blog post, to give a face – four faces – to the issue: every pregnancy, planned or unplanned, is a person waiting to be seen and heard, someone who can’t speak up on behalf of his or her right to life.
We were going to both the 8:45 and 11:00 services, and, not surprisingly, we were a little late for the first service. I have to say, when running late, it is so much easier to get the kids settled in when everyone is singing, less disruptive for those who actually got there on time.
It’s funny, but I can’t remember what the song was, but just after I started to sing, I teared up, choked up. I couldn’t quite identify the feeling. I don’t have a good word to describe what it was like. It was too intense for “pleasant” to fit, but it wasn’t unpleasant. It felt like something inside me was breaking, but being bound up for healing as it broke. It was freeing in some indefinable way.
I remained teary until, while, and after I spoke, and it wasn’t until after I spoke the first time, after I had told members of my church family that I am grateful for my life and I am grateful for the lives of my children, that I realized: it’s gratitude.
If you’ve read previous posts about the depression I recently went through, you’ll know that my ability to be grateful was severely impaired. And, to be honest, a lack of gratitude contributed to the initial, what I think of as “normal” depression, and therefore to my vulnerability to the switch in my brain being flipped and my entering that place of dark hopelessness. I finally came out of it. I could again appreciate my life, but didn’t realize how shallow that appreciation remained.
But in those moments, I was truly, wholly grateful for my life. And when I looked at my kids in their quiet busyness as the service went on, I felt that familiar wonder that usually gets lost in the day-to-day demands of parenthood. Those three children are AMAZING, unique individuals created in God’s image, designed with care and forethought to fulfill His purpose in a way only they can. The amazing fact of life was once again amazing. The incredible way their hands were working as they colored with crayons, while their hearts beat, sending life-sustaining blood throughout their bodies. I was once again amazed by them in a way I hadn’t been in too long a time, amazed that their lives started in my body, that my unique DNA was part their unique DNA. My kids could not have been born to any other woman and man, at any other time. There was a specific combination of Jeff’s and my genetic material necessary to make them the people they are. Just as each of us is, they are amazing creations, conceived at the only moment they could be.
When you stop and think of all of the possible combinations of DNA that are, have been, or will be, having the one that makes you YOU is pretty amazing. God made no mistake when He put your parts together.
But yesterday morning, it was more personal than that. I am alive. I am unique. I have given birth to three incredible and unique children. I am so blessed.
I am…
15 Jan 2012 1 Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: sanctity of human life
My name is Melinda. And I am alive.
This blog didn’t just spring from nothing. At this moment you’re reading words that I wrote. This blog is full of them, full of my thoughts. You may agree with some, or many, or even none of them, but you can’t deny that they are here. If for no other reason than you are aware of my words, you know that I exist.
And you have no right to do anything to change that fact. I see no reason why any of you ever would, and, with one exception, no one ever has. For several months in 1973, one young woman, still in high school, held the legal right to end my life. She had never seen me. I could not speak to her. But it was up to her whether I lived or died. A vocal segment of society told her, and the Supreme Court affirmed, that it was her right to choose. But I had no say. As a result of a choice she had already made, I grew inside her body, completely dependent and powerless. I had no way to even speak in defense of my own right to live. But even then I was one-of-a-kind, the only me there could ever be. My unique DNA had been established when egg and sperm combined. No one else would ever have the distinct whorl of my fingerprints or the same same flecks in the exact shade of green of my eyes. No one else could have my voice or my thoughts. But, according to the law, I was unnecessary. The Supreme Court denied the reality of my existence.
In April, my legal status changed as the next stage of my life began. Doctors and nurses began fighting for my life. Because they could see me, hear me, touch me, hold me, they were obligated to help me. I needed them. Their knowledge, experience, and equipment. I was still dependent on others for survival, but these others were now bound by their oath to do no harm. My little body fought to do what it had been doing for months, hidden from their sight – I fought to live.
Nine days later, my life outside the hospital began as I was taken home as the daughter of Nancy and Glen. I was dependent on two new people. They had been waiting a long time for me. As time went by, I became less and less dependent. Eventually I became responsible to bring a unique individual into the world. His name is Jonathan. He was followed by a younger brother named Joel and a sister named Nora.
According to the law of our land, we didn’t need to be here. But we are. Life isn’t always easy or pleasant, and I haven’t always used the time with which I have been blessed in the best ways I could have, but, regardless of the law, no one should have had the right to deny me my right to live it.
Thank you, Sherry, for not terminating your pregnancy. Thank you for not terminating me.
Philippians 3:10
13 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in The Growth of Wisdom Tags: Biblical worldview, Christian, Grandma's wisdom, perspective, Philippians 3:10, Scripture
I was again going through my Grandma Craig’s last Bible this morning and reading highlighted verses. Philippians 3:10 was her life verse:
That I may know Him, and the power of His resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings, being conformed to His death.
How many of us embrace the inevitability, the necessity, of suffering? It is not uncommon for us as Christians to have a vague understanding of the need to die to self, but do we really practice it, submit to it, moment-by-moment?
i x 2
11 Jan 2012 Leave a Comment
in Uncategorized Tags: Christian, Compassion International, fair trade, freedom, human trafficking, intercession, International Justice Mission, modern day slavery, Prayer, Wesleyan, World Hope International
Prayer
For those of you who would like to join with the Wesleyan Church for i x 2 (intercession and intervention) this Human Trafficking Awareness Day, here are the prayer points suggested on the event’s Facebook page:
• The protection, rescue, and recovery of human trafficking victims.
• The spiritual repentance and conversion of human traffickers.
• The members of congress who create laws against human trafficking.
• The members of the judiciary system who prosecute traffickers of humans.
• The federal, state, and local police who enforce laws against human trafficking.
• The national, spiritual, and social conditions that allow human trafficking.
Don’t forget to prayerfully consider your place in this battle.
Action
Here are a few things you can do to help the exploited and vulnerable.
Support World Hope International‘s anti-trafficking efforts or the International Justice Mission.
Sponsor a child through World Hope or Compassion International.
If you are interested in sampling fair trade foods, check out Trade as One’s Hungry for Change program. For $33 a month, you will receive four or five food items they carry in their online store. Check out the other fair trade items they carry while you’re on their site.
Android and iPhone users can download a barcode scan app that gives company ratings of A to F based on what they do to prevent and address exploitative labor practices. Free2Work’s new and improved online ratings site should be back up and running soon.
Keep your eyes and ears open.
Examine yourself. Don’t fall victim to the lies that keep our society a place where human trafficking can not only exist but flourish. More on this later today.
